About Me~

Where do you begin when inside you have so very much you want to say, to convey, to teach, to share? After all who am I, if nothing but another being or soul on the earth doing my best to fulfill my journey . Where do I get off thinking I can say anything that will make a difference to anyone or teach someone about life or even help them to find peace and serenity along their journey.Well I am a daughter, I am a sister, I am a mother, I’ve been a wife, I am a friend and I am a woman, who, like everyone else has had experiences of my own and I too put one foot in front of the other to simply get to where I am going…Have I had hardships? Sure. Have I had heartbreaks? Sure. Have I been disappointed? Yes. Have I laughed, cried, made mistakes, made good choices and bad, well yes, who has not? I guess that makes you and me the same, our stories will be different as we are different. If you are in a place where you think you are alone and I can possibly shed some light that you are, in fact, not, than please let’s together put one foot in front of the other and take this walk with the belief that we will get to where we are going, we are never alone and we can, in fact have peace. The peace does come from with in if you know how to look, listen and feel and most importantly trust and have faith.I do not have stories that will shock you, I do not have tales of abuse to the level of scars on the outside or deep wounds that would be validated with gasps of horror. I am an ordinary girl that grew up in ordinary circumstances. My story unfolds ordinarily but my quest for peace among the ordinary experiences of my life have never been far from my inner most desires. It seems that every day God puts a new pair of shoes on me to walk a bit, each pair gives me more and more compassion and understanding for others and what they may think and feel. Like my closet every pair of shoes I have are neatly labeled and boxed and with in reach should I feel the need to go on a adventure. Sometimes I trip and sometimes I fall hard but I always get up wipe the dirt (or blood) off my knees and keep moving forward and so can you.I hope that you and I can walk together I believe that in my closet I have a pair of shoes that will feel just right…

With that said…I was born in Albq, N.M. My Father, a funny, handsome, yet modest man is from Georgia. My Mother, a Spanish, Catholic daughter who came from a family of 12, married him, to, well basically to “get out of the house”. She was drowning in the strict confines that being raised only by her father since the age of 4 had set on her. My parents moved to sunny San Diego when I was two. She and my father divorced when I was 5 because his drinking became quite a problem and things just got worse and worse for them. Money was tight and the violent episodes became more frequent, soon this became a lifestyle. All of my early childhood memories are recalled in darkness, I truly believed that the sun never came out and actually asked my mom much later why it used to be so cloudy in San Diego. I suppose at 5 I believed that dark meant there was no sunshine. I vividly remember one “night” in particular they had gotton into a fight, he had been drinking, my mom was running, I was dangling sideways in her arms. She ran into a nearby laundry and begged for help only to be received by blank stares from those with laundry to fold. She then ran into the nearby grocery store where the cute grocery man that always gave me treats was working. He put us into his car and off we went. She later married that cute grocery man and he remains a big part of my life today. My father is also a very big part of my life, whom I respect and love with all my heart. He sobered up about 17 years ago and although his battle with alcohol lasted into my adulthood, he has always been there if I need him. He is and always has been very understanding, as he too has worn many shoes.Well the sun did come out and dispite the rainy days along the way, continued to shine. I have learned that I must always look beyond the clouds and trust that sunshine will always follow…Right now as I am writing this, I am finding myself soon to be 44, I am single, yet I have been married 3 times, my 19 year old son is near by and my two kitties not far. I have so many life experiences to draw from and will share them with you in “Posts” spread out through “My Links” because a chronological biography or a daily diary is not my plight but if i can share the lessons learned along the way and possibly just possibly help someone to understand they are not alone than my greatest wish will be fulfilled.

Physical Abuse

I mention that God has given me many shoes to wear. I think he has done this to make me more and more compassionate and understanding. I’ve said since I was very young that as long as I can understand and grasp something than I could support it even if I disagree. So God has given me what I asked for again. He seems to let me walk a bit in others shoes just to ‘get it’ I want to understand things and each walk I take gives me more and more insight into “life”, fortunately, in many cases such as this, I don’t walk very long…
I was about 21/22 years old. I lived at home and began dating a man that truly made my knees weak. It was love at first sight. We became serious very quickly and just as quickly I learned about his horrific temper. He was jealous, possessive and soon became physically abusive.
He would hit, punch and push me and when it was all over he would cry and apologise and promise it would never happen again. He would also tell me what he needed from me and how it was my fault that he would do what he would do. Sounds so text book doesn’t it. Well, I was in love, 21 and trusting what did I know?
As time went on, things, as you can imagine, got worse. I kept the abuse secret from my family and friends as I was so ashamed and embarrassed.
One time an ‘episode’ became so violent and I was actually a bit hurt and really, really scared, no-one was home, the phone rang and I ran to it, he grabbed me and the phone fell on the floor (it was, for those that remember a phone with a cord connecting the base to the ear and mouth piece) so I just screamed, “help call the police”! He quickly left but not before telling me that this was not over. The police arrived as it was my best girlfriend on the other end of the line. They told me what I needed to do which was get a restraining order. The female officer talked with me for a long while and was very passionate about the subject. She told me if I did nothing it would continue. SHe left but not before saying she hoped that she would never have to see me again. My step-father, a Police Reserve came home to find them there and immediately took me to the station to begin this process. Well that is what I did, began it, but did not follow through, and never told anyone that he continued to harrass me. I thought I could handle it and take care of it myself. One evening when I was leaving work, he was hiding behind the building, one of the managers walked me to my car and the two of them got into a fight, I ran back inside (no cell phones then) and called the police. They came and it was the same officers that had come to my house. When the female Officer recognized me, she shook her head while saying saying, ”I can’t help you, because your waisting my time”, and walked away. My heart sunk and I felt two inches tall. I had wasted her time, I did nothing because I felt sorry, I felt bad, I felt guilty and so everything she warned me about was coming true.
Thank God, thank God, I am alive today to share this story. I did get the restraining order again and followed it to the letter. I also had my work transfer me so I could leave town for a while. A few years later I learned that he had badly hurt another girlfriend and was in prison.
If you or anyone you know is in this situation, please, I beg you, get help, get out and do not for one minute think you can change someone, don’t believe that if things were different, it would be different. A person like that needs professional help and it is not your responsibility to help them. You are risking your life every minute you stay. Change is hard and I know sometimes even if it is bad, it is more comfortable living in the familiar than the unknown. Life is meant to be good, times are going to be hard but your life, well, that it is meant to be good.

The Voice Inside of Me

My 2006 Resolution; “To listen to that voice inside of me each and every time she speaks!!”
How often do you hear yourself say, “Ahhhhh! I knew I should have done that, said that, retrieved that, gone there, bought that, etc…?” If your anything like me, probably too many times to mention, much less brag about.
That voice is our inner self, the self that truly knows who we are, telling us in every situation just what we should be doing, yet we ignore it time and time again. Often times we actually ask someone else what we should do.
So, I thought, maybe If I started listening to the little voice and it’s little suggestions I could learn to trust it and just see what happens…
Well this soon became very exciting as I could actually and tangibly see my life improving every-time I simply listened and did what I was intuitively instructed to do. Humbly, I learned that I argue with myself often and I learned that I questioned and doubted myself little voice alot. However, I did come to the exciting realization that if I didn’t question it, even if it was completely ilogical I began to say, “Ahhhhh, darn it! I knew it!!! more and more less often.
If something, aka ‘the little voice’ would tell me that I needed to stop the engine, go back in the house and put the fork in the dishwasher, than time and again I’d find out that, O’ perhaps that I’d left the iron on or forgot an important item I ‘d later need that day. If I was applying mascara and something told me to stop, go get the camera before you forget it and I listened, I had the camera and sure enough I come to find out that I needed it later that day. There are also times that I didn’t tangibly see a result so I chose to just believ that although it didn’t impact me directly, maybe the 30 seconds I had spent, kept the car behind me from running a red light and killing someone else. The sky is the limit when you think of it that way.
It was becoming a fun game if you will and just as often the times I would argue and not listen and do, I’d pay the price later. At times it is so silly and at times so huge.
As the year has now turned into almost 2, I, through practice have become very aware that it is not in-fact ‘a little voice’ but quite ‘a big voice’. Once I moved myself and what I want to hear out of the way the voice in my soul began to sing loud and clear. It is life changing and truly amazing and a fun game to play until you get it and it becomes a lifestyle.
We know the answers, we know what we need to do, what we should do, but somewhere along the line we learned instead to doubt ourself and put trust in others beliefs and society’s expectations. I believe everything happens for a reason and that if we quiet our-self long enough to just listen we will hear what we are meant to hear.
Perhaps it’s our own voice inside of us speaking, perhaps it’s intuition, perhaps its the angels whispering, perhaps its the Lord so badly wanting us to hear him. What ever it may be, I know you all have heard it, I know you hear it daily as I do. But my question is, “are you listening?’ and if not, “WHY?”
I’m just asking you to listen, play my game, I promise it will change your life just as it has mine.

We All Have A Cross To Bear

One thing I have most certainly have learned, is that we do not get to go through life with out having a cross to bear. I’m sure at times it may feel as if we are carrying several…

I was with my Goddess Girlfriends, Heidi and Kathi enjoying our traditional Christmas Bake -Off, and conversation, as always was filled with insights and inspiration.
A comment was made in reference to the fact that I do not know what it is like to struggle with losing weight as I have always been slender. We got to talking about that fact and I then brought up the fact that they do not know what it is like to be a single mom raising a teenage son.
It then became so obvious that we each had a different cross to bear. So we excitedly thought it would be a good exercise to role play and exchange crosses. We discussed the issues/crosses at length we each humbly realized that we had no comprehension what the others felt like and then all too soon realized we would rather, A. keep the cross we had because we would never wish that onto someone else we cared about or, b. Keep the cross we had because it was better than others out there.
While frosting snowmen, rolling holiday balls and putting red and green m&m’s on pretzels, we took some time to reflect on our own crosses. It was such a great silence as the energy was filled with gratitude and compassion.

“The Cross Room”
The young man was struggling, weighed down by the immense weight of the cross he carried each day. Then one day he came upon a room, opened the door, placed down his cross and walked inside. The room was filled, wall to wall with crosses, he was surrounded by them. As he walked about the room he saw crosses of all different shapes and sizes, all different weights and woods.
Just then the man heard the voice of God, “What are you looking for my child?” The man replied, “My cross is so heavy Lord, that I cannot bear it another day…let me take another one, God, a lighter one that’s more manageable and easier to carry.” “Very well,” God said, “choose whichever cross you’d like…”
Some crosses were far to heavy to move, others were so large that they extended into the darkness of the room, toward a ceiling so high that their tops could not be seen. The man walked through the rows of crosses, hundreds upon thousands of them, until he focused in on a small cross in the corner, far smaller than the rest. “I choose this one, God, this is the cross for me.” “But my son, ” God replied, “that’s the cross you came in with…

Author Unknown

It is so strange how we can look out and admire or perhaps become envious when we view others and think that they are the epitome of perfection and want what they have. We can get so bogged down with our crosses, because face it, at times they are quite heavy that we don’t really see or have the energy to pay attention to the fact that everyone has things they are carrying with them through life.
It’s Life, its a journey, it is also miraculous and wonderful when we sit back and realize how fortunate we actually are. There is always someone with a heavier cross to carry. My attitude, after learning this lesson that day is that I will now go through my life proudly carrying mine with a new awareness, while also stopping along the way to give a hand and help someone else to carry theirs should they need it.
I don’t want to trade and I don’t want to give mine away, it is what makes me, me. Jesus carried his cross for each one of us with out complaining or resentment so I think it’s time for me to carry mine for him and find strength knowing that he is always with me.

If The Dog Bites Everyone

“If the dog bites everyone, is it everyone’s fault or the dog?”
Ever have one of those days, maybe one of those weeks, or heaven help ya, one of those months or Lord save you one of those years?
A long time ago I noticed that if things were constantly going crazy, or people were really annoying me or trouble was brewing around me that if I took a step back and honestly took a good look in the mirror it began with me and my attitude. If I was being treated by those around me, including strangers, rudely or aggressively than that is how I would react and the day or week or month would go on that way. I’d think what the heck is going on, why is everyone being so difficult? If things were just not going smoothly and how I wanted them too, than I’d wonder, “Why can’t anyone do anything right, or why are people so dumb? Sometimes drama would seem to be all around me and life would seem so overwhelming. At times I felt as if I was in conflict with everyone and really believed it was everyone else’s fault. Because, well because, I was right and they were wrong, so I justified standing strong in my convictions.
I have repeatedly been known to ask, “Why do I start out right then end up so wrong” The burned bridges big and little, behind me were beginning to be too many to count.
I finally realized that maybe, just maybe, I could be part, if not all of the problem and far less a part of the solution than I had ever been willing to admit.
Today, when life becomes dramatic, or the day too aggressive, or people around me are appearing just plain ridicules, I stop and ask myself, “If the dog bites everyone is it everyone’s fault or the dogs?” Each and every time, if I’m honest, I find that I’m the dog and that it’s my attitude that needs a bit of adjusting. That it’s my demeanor that needs to mellow the heck out and back the heck up. Although I may be right, I can choose to react with love and light and not choose to be such a bull dozer.
Life is truly so much simpler and less chaotic if we can just take responsibility for our own actions as well as reactions. We can’t control others but we can control our-self.
“If the dog bites everyone is it everyone’s fault or the dog?”
Do you see a growling dog looking back at you? When and if you do, take a deep breath, smile, be grateful and just be nice, it takes far less energy plus it’s contagious.

More About Me...

Do you really read “married three times?”
How does someone that loves being married, being a wife and living a domestic life as much as I do, get married and divorced three times???
Seriously, I really love marriage and what it stands for. If any of my friends and family come to me with thoughts of divorce I am the first to do or say anything that will talk them out of going through with it. I don’t condone divorce and it really upsets me to see people make that choice.
But here I am, 43 and single. “What the heck?”
I had had the same boyfriend from 12 years old until I was 18, my parents adored the boyfriend as he had through the years become like their son. His family life was not so great so he relished in what I found to be confining. He was quite charming with them and they would find out his true nature as time would go on. My mom was so very strict and my step father a police reserve so I really was not allowed to do anything or grow up if you will. I was 20, lived at home and the rules and expectations had never really changed since junior high.
I was teaching dance when one of my adult students set me up on a blind date with a cute guy that looked like Michael J. Fox, he was a little older so he was not interested in dating my parents and that attracted me. We had dated a few months, much to my parents disappointment, because they wanted me and my first boyfriend to be together, when my mother found out that I had told a lie and had spent the night with this new guy. Wow, that did not go well and life for everyone in the house became unbearable. My younger sister was really getting the brunt of my mothers endless foul mood and my step father actually took me aside and told me to do what ever I had to do to make it right with her, because she was, and I quote him, ”making life hell for everyone”. So I went to her and told her we would get married to make up for ’sleeping with him’. A wedding was quickly planned pretty much with out my mother speaking to me and 8 months after our blind date we were married. The wedding was a complete disaster because it was then and there that I discovered that my “new” husband had a problem with cocaine and had spent all the money for the band on that instead.
Needless to say that marriage was not made in heaven and with in a year after many many fights over money being spent on drugs I moved back home. The bright side of that story is that he did conquer his battle with substance abuse, 12 years later, and to this day is one of my most favorite people in the world as we are very very dear friends.
A few years later I married my sons father. We had dated briefly when I was 19, I was crazy about him then so this time I was in love, very much in love and soon after we had a beautiful baby boy. I was 25 he was 28, in that first year and a 1/2, we got married, had a baby, started a business and bought a house… Just a bit of stress if you will. When our son was 5 I learned that my husband had been having an affair with my very dear friend for almost 2 years. In fact, many times she would leave her little girl with me, while she and my husband would rendezvous, OUCH! Her husband was also one of my husbands best friends. I reacted so badly and took it so hard. I fell apart actually, I was devastated and a complete wreck! The only one that could comfort me was the one that had hurt me, I felt like I was drowning. It felt like he was pushing me under water yet he was the only one that could pull me out. I couldn’t sleep at night unless I took 2-3 sleeping pills only to wake up about 3am to take 2-3 more. I was a mess for almost a year. I took 100% full responsibility for his affair. I believed that I was not pretty enough, I was not thin enough, I was not subservient enough and so I did everything and anything I could to ensure he would never cheat on me again. I actually use to keep record in my day planner of how often we were intimate. Quite often 2-3 times a day and if we missed a day I honestly would have a panic attack. We went away on mini vacations as well as elaborate just to be alone. It seemed to everyone else that we had over come the impossible and survived the infidelity. We were called by many, Ken and Barbie. My husband, well you can imagine, was elated, he had an affair and ended up being rewarded.
Until, I woke up one day and the pain that I had tried to bury became too much to carry. I wanted to hurt him as he had hurt me. I was really angry and exhausted and just thought if I could make him feel what I had felt it would all go away and we could put it behind us because I got even. So I cheated on him. That really taught him a lesson didn’t it? I told you I was a mess. Well what a surprise, it didn’t fix anything and my reputation and self respect went quickly into the toilet. We separated and spent the next year back and forth and back and forth. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore or where to find it, I just hurt so badly and nothing I did seemed to take the pain away.
We finally divorced and that was that. Because I ultimately was the one that ended the marriage and wanted out, I took very little by legal standards. That meant I needed to get a job as we had our own business, 2 successful ones for that matter. He relocated to another state and I was a single mom with out an income…
I panicked after leaving my now 9 year old in day care for the first time. I also wanted to give back to my son what I felt I had taken away from him; a beautiful home with a family. So I married the man I had cheated with, he loved me, had two beautiful little girls and most importantly PROMISED to have more children with me. (My sons father had had a vasectomy when our son was 10 months old, it was our compromise because he never wanted any children so one seemed fair).
Anyway, I was remarried about 2 weeks after my divorce was final. We also immediately began trying to have a child. We bought a house, blended our families and from there on life was suppose to be great. After about one year we learned that I would have to undergo surgery to conceive. I had 3 in about 13 months and nothing. I finally had to have an emergency hysterectomy and that was the end of my dream of more children. Also the end of my 3rd marriage. I didn’t love him, I was very fond of him as he is a wonderful man, but I didn’t love him. Makes sense doesn’t it, having a baby always makes a marriage what it is suppose to be…? (I type while shaking my head at my logic) I was 38 and just knew there had to be more to life than simply existing. It was time to move on, I didn’t have the child I so badly wanted and the pain of my divorce from my sons father had finally been put to rest. We separated and divorced.
At times I will poke fun at myself and when referring to ex’s and use numbers instead of names. When asked if I ever want to get married again I’ll answer by saying that I think I’ve met my quota, or jokingly respond with, “What am I suppose to say at the alter, “Seriously, for real this time, I’m not kidding…” etc.. But in reality it’s not a joke. I’m not proud how this part of my life has turned out. I really love the entire idea of marriage and everything it should be. I truly am so upset that my son had to grow up in two households because his father and I messed up and then, well ,I appear to have continued to. He, all of our children, deserve so much more than we give them. Sure they have rooms filled with toys, closets filled with name brand clothes and are given cars with they turn 16. But is that what they really want or deserve, at the end of the day it is about family and more and more and more families are torn apart because we make life difficult and live superficially always thinking of ourself and what we want, that we screw things up for them.
I do agree that divorce is necessary in extreme cases like abuse either emotional, substance or physical. But too many divorces are simply because we mess up and that, I feel after having it be the case with me, can say, is just not OK and is truly a shame.
So there you have it, my explanation for how someone that loves marriage and would have loved nothing more than to spend my entire life with one person can and has been married three times.
I still ask myself now and again, “what the heck?”